Buh bye

Chances are if you’re reading this or have been in my life for any part of the last few years you’ve witnessed the slow decline of my health, so you can spare yourself some time and skip to the end. But for the sake of those who maybe don't know or who care to relive it with me, this might be long winded, so bear with me. I can almost pinpoint the exact time everything took a turn. It was the morning of Logan’s 6th birthday party (October 2014) and someone called to say they weren’t feeling well and wouldn’t make it. I thought to myself “I don’t feel well either, but I have 30+ people showing up to my house in the next hour”. I ended up having a terrible sinus infection that refused to go away and was treated with 3-4 rounds of antibiotics. By the beginning of January when I was still not feeling well it seemed my sinus infection had gone but I now needed antibiotics for an ear infection. Along with that I had started experiencing a sharp pain in my chest so they performed an EKG. It came back normal and I was diagnosed with costochondritis (inflammation of the cartilage between my ribs and sternum). I gave a giant eye roll to the suggestion of relaxing and icing it several times throughout the day. Is it even possible for one to relax with a four and six year old in the house? This same doctor also prescribed me anxiety medication because she thought I was imagining these symptoms, so honestly she can just eff off altogether.

Anyways, that dull but seriously painful headache that typically comes along with a sinus infection ended up never leaving. It was one of those things where you’re just so over it and wonder how long it could possibly last but you inevitably go about your business, because honestly.. the show must go on. By February I started to become concerned so I broke down and talked to a new doctor about it. He referred me to a highly recommended, highly qualified, world renowned (stupidly expensive) neurologist in Cherry Creek and I was so anxious to figure out what was going on and finally feel better. This is when I really started to feel like a science experiment. This guy swore I was suffering all these symptoms due to acid reflux (I was having daily nose bleeds and ringing in my ears by this point). After a few months of not responding to treatment he started taking shots in the dark. I was prescribed muscle relaxers, anti-depressants, sleep aids, compound creams, lidocaine nose sprays and inhalers. The worst part of his treatment were the nerve blocks administered via a large needle up my nose while I hung my head upside down off a table. The thought of it still makes me sick to my stomach.

Temperature strips used to verify the block hits the correct cluster of nerves

That was before the spinal tap. Probably to this day one of my worst memories throughout this nightmare. He suspected I had increased spinal fluid around my brain and the spinal tap would bring it to a normal level or at least tell us if I had some sort of infection.

Bed rest after the spinal tap

Then came the MRI to check for brain tumors. Where everything else up to this point was physically taxing, waiting for the results of the MRI was seriously emotional.

Thankfully, clear MRI

Test after test and still no indication of what was going on while I continued to wake up every morning with head pain that felt like a terrible hangover and continued to feel like a vice on my temples all day long. He treated me for altitude sickness for a while, but considering I was born and raised in Colorado I never saw how this made sense. I stopped seeing that doctor when he literally opened up Google and typed in my symptoms while Chris and I sat across from him.

Tool used to administer the SPG nerve block

Not only was I still suffering from my original symptoms, but I had a plethora of new symptoms from all the medication that I’d been given. My faith in the health care system was already on a level of frustration and disbelief that I can hardly describe, but little did I know that this was just the beginning. By early 2015 I had seen a new family doctor (my fourth at this point) who again prescribed more meds that weren't helpful. It felt like I was getting no where until I was lead to a couple different ENT's. The first suspected my ear pain and ultimately my headaches were coming from TMJ dysfunction. I went to the next ENT for a second opinion and he was also concerned about TMJ. I didn't realize at the time that I was grinding my teeth and the doctors didn't know if the grinding was causing my headaches or if it was the other way around and the pain of my headaches was causing me to grind them. After about a month on muscle relaxers I still had no relief. At my initial visit this doctor also found that I had a bone spur on my septum that he suspected might be putting pressure on a nerve which could possibly be the root of the headaches. So, we scheduled a septoplasty to fix my deviated septum, remove the spur and perform another nerve block, for good measure.

Post septoplasty

Right off I noticed I was no longer having dizzy spells, where as before I was literally seeing black spots and having to drop to the ground before I fainted any time I exerted myself in any way. However, once the nerve block wore off I was back to square one, aside from an apparently better looking septum, for whatever that is worth.

Healing from surgery

I started seeing another highly recommended neurologist, who not only has the worst office staff I have ever encountered, but came off as entirely bored with his job and was just plain rude. He tested for holes in my heart (that was real fun) and prescribed me anti seizure and nerve damage medication, as well as anti depressants and sleeping pills. More medications that made me feel worse than I had when I arrived at his office. I was so over these doctors who sat with me for no more than 10-15 minutes, wrote me a prescription and told me to be patient and hope for the best. I didn't leave a single one of these appointments feeling hopeful. I almost always made it past the office door before I started crying but once I was alone in my car it was a full on pity party until I got to wherever I was going next and pulled myself together.

At this point I was starting to grind my teeth so badly I was waking myself up from sleep and my whole face was aching. I researched several orthodontists until I came across one who founded an institute specifically for TMJ disorders and headaches. I finally felt like I might be on the right path to feeling well again. Unfortunately he was in Castle Rock, so I did a whole lot of driving, as his treatment consisted of me seeing him 1-2 times a week to adjust a dental appliance I was supposed to be wearing 24/7, which I admittedly did not, but he was seeing improvements with the alignment of my teeth and jaw joints so although my headaches remained it seemed we were making progress. I desperately wanted to feel well before my family left on vacation so he treated me with a larger than average dose of botox in my temples and jaws, which he claimed would likely make me unable to smile or chew food, but would make grinding my teeth, let alone completely closing my mouth, virtually impossible. As horrible as that sounds, I truly was desperate. As has been my story with all these experiences, I had no reaction to that treatment and was grinding my teeth as bad as before, if not worse. Once my dental appliance had done all he hoped it would do, my 3D TMJ scan came back fairly normal and botox was having no effect on my muscles, he suggested I replace my four front teeth with veneers that would "only" make them appear "a bit thicker and longer". Ummm...HARD PASS. I really did want to feel better. I honestly considered it for about a millisecond. My front teeth are certainly not perfect. He assured me that even though I have nice teeth they would look even better. He even literally told me "You're a pretty girl. I'm sure no one will even notice." Thanks, but no thanks. I had already spent hundreds of dollars on botox that had no effect. I spent thousands on a dental device that I despised and I was spending countless hours driving to and from his office for adjustments. Up to this point I had done a lot of things I was not thrilled to do, but was willing to try for the sake of feeling well again. But I was not definitely not willing to change my entire smile and spend thousands of dollars more for another shot in the dark

3D TMJ Scan

Shortly after leaving this orthodontist I saw an eye doctor for the first time in years to rule out glaucoma and elevated eye pressure. I learned that I had a gland dysfunction that resulted in dry eyes and after an expensive, but thankfully painless procedure it was treated.

Blocked glands treated with Lipiflow

I was so discouraged by this point, but I knew this is not the life I wanted to live. Waking up feeling terrible every day. Skipping social events. Wearing a fake smile any time I left the house. Crying myself to sleep. Considering writing letters to my kids in case I was no longer around for them. Wondering if every beautiful thing I saw would be my last. So, I started researching naturopathic medicine and was led to a doctor who, like the others, came highly recommended. Unfortunately my 45 min drive to see my orthodontist became an hour and forty minute drive to see this doctor that specialized in Functional Medicine. The big difference is that I was finally getting some answers. I did extensive blood work with results that were shocking. Headaches aside, I was suffering from adrenal fatigue, hypothyroidism, liver dysfunction, deficiency in nearly every vitamin and mineral you can think of, hormonal imbalance and MTHFR (a genetic disorder that makes it difficult for your body to detox properly). I was put on a rigorous plan of supplements, Vitamin B12 shots and hormones.

Personalized supplements

I was treated for a suspected mold allergy. At some point we discussed the possibility of our log home being the problem, which lead us on the path of putting our home on the market for a year. Thank goodness that never went anywhere. It was overwhelming, but it wasn't a bunch of prescription drugs that I couldn't even pronounce the name of, let alone know what it was doing to my body. The best part of all was that I was sitting and talking to this doctor for at least an hour every visit. I felt heard and cared for for the first time in the difficult journey. He worked along side a fantastic nutritionist and health coach who helped me establish an eating plan that would promote good health. There became a point when I felt like they had done all they could do for me, but if nothing else, they made me feel hopeful again and introduced me to some great tools that I still use to this day. I began meditating to help me sleep. I practiced mindfulness and gratitude daily. I had a solid exercise plan for the first time in a long while. And they led me to a manual therapist that made more shocking discoveries that would eventually led me to relief for my head pain.

I went into a lot of these appointments open minded, really because I felt like I had nothing to lose. But when I left this particular appointment I felt like a breakthrough had been made. This therapist ended up diagnosing me with cranial restrictions, girdle restrictions and several misplaced ribs. Do not ask me how something like this happens without any sort of trauma, because I have no good answer for you. All I know is his treatment truly felt like an out of body experience and I was sold that this was the answer to my pain. Unfortunately, he was more than an hour drive from me, booked for several months (my other doctor had called in a favor) and was not covered by insurance. Thankfully there happened to be another doctor practicing this type of therapy in my town and he once again came highly recommended. At some point I saw two different chiropractors to confirm what was going on with my ribs. One treated me via acupuncture (not a fan) and the other did some basic adjustments and massage work. I ended up not loving the manual therapist near home, as I always left feeling worse than when I came in. I got to the point where if I were touched on the back near those misplaced ribs I would literally cry out in pain and nearly fall to the floor. By some sort of divine intervention I was led to the woman who would finally (FINALLY!!) provide relief to my headaches. I found her looking for a manual therapist, which as far as I knew, just did a whole lot of manipulating body parts and cracking/popping things. So imagine my surprise when she pulled out a bunch of needles. I had come a long way from the girl who had never even had her blood drawn until I was a mom. I'd had so much blood work done in the last couple years before this point. I was getting B12 shots at home. I had experimented with acupuncture. But still, the needles get me every time. I just don't like them. But, as I said before, I was open to anything that might help. When she explained to me that she would use dry needling (not acupuncture) and showed me the charts of the muscles she thought might be the culprit of the problem, I literally was overcome with emotion because it just finally felt right.

I remember being an emotional mess of relief and hope afterwards. I didn't leave that first appointment feeling better (these treatments are certainly not fun) but several days later I woke up without a headache for the first time in YEARS. I could hardly believe that finally something had worked. I really did feel like a new person without the cloud of pain hanging over me. It was a weird combination of annoyance for the time and money spent chasing all these misdiagnoses and the joy of finally having something actually WORK for once. Her office became my safe haven every weekend while we worked to put my body back together. She taught me stretches and exercises to do at home and introduced me to cupping and electro stimulation. I'm happy to say that any resemblance of those old headaches, which at the time I described as an ice pick through my eye or a vice tightened over my temples, has become a fairly distant memory. And when they do happen, I am beyond grateful to have a wonderful person that I know I can call/email/text who will fit me into her schedule.

I wish I could say that this is the happy ending to this never ending story, but unfortunately, that's just not the case. In fact, I wrote all of that (which as I said before, many of you already know) just to catch you up to where I am with all of this today. Once my headaches were gone it was such a relief, as I was beginning to think I would wake up feeling this terrible forever. But once I was no longer focusing on the headaches, other problems came to light. I am still battling fatigue daily. Literally just feeling wiped out and unable (or sometimes just unwilling) to function. Even when I was in the trenches of simultaneously raising an infant and a toddler (often times single-handedly) I did not feel the exhaustion that I feel regularly now. Not only does it suck to feel that way, but it is embarrassing to repeatedly be called lazy or feel judged for wanting to rest often or sleep longer than usual because having actual energy is a distant memory. I've always found it difficult to put myself first, to set things aside for another time, to miss out on a conversation or event. But through these struggles I have literally been forced to do all these things and I am finally learning that it is okay to take care of myself before others. That I am important. That the work will wait. That my husband can and will help if I need it. And my kids won't love me any less. Anxiety, restlessness, insomnia and fatigue are all just a reality I've had to learn to live with.

So, it was toward the end of the year when I came across a post from a woman in the fitness industry I've been following for many years. She had just removed her breast implants and strictly out of curiosity I watched the video telling her story. She explained how she was suddenly ill and how several doctors could not figure out what was going on until she was led to information from other women about Breast Implant Illness. By the end of that video I was so intrigued and curious. I started researching BII and it was terrifying and eye opening. I was reading stories from hundreds of women that I felt I could have written myself. I saw a list of symptoms and could have put a check mark next to more than half of them. I immediately wondered if this had anything to do with my health problems. A friend had mentioned it to me a year earlier, but I was in the midst of seeing a new doctor and felt we were on to something, so I told her I would look into it and stupidly I never followed up. So now I was spending several hours late into the night reading these stories and researching websites. Turns out this wasn't just a bunch of random women coming together to conspire against the breast implant industry. There are thousands of women from all over the world having these problems. Many celebrities and high profile women had already been vocal about removing their implants due to deteriorating health. I mentioned the first story to Chris and as always, he was immediately on board with whatever it would take to get me back to myself. No one knows better than him how much I have changed the past few years. I've literally been slowly falling apart before his eyes. Any time I told him my doctors suggested something or I wanted to try something he was all in if it meant getting me back to me. He was even all in with the new teeth the orthodontist recommended and that's coming from a guy who says my smile is his favorite. I think he's become even more desperate than I have.

Although I honestly felt deep down that I had to do this, I was slow to say I was convinced until I had more information. This is a major surgery with a difficult recovery that obviously leaves you physically altered. So I researched every single second I had spare time. Months later I am still scrolling through these websites and reaching out to women to hear their stories, compare symptoms, inquire as to how they feel after surgery. I wanted as much information as possible before I made my decision. And during these last few months since learning about BII, not only have I continued to experience all the symptoms I've had for days, months, years, but I am continuously developing new unexplained symptoms. Someone compared it to Whack-a-mole. It really does feel like I knock down one thing and a new issue pops right back up. This is an uphill battle and now that I know what I know about breast implants, not only would it be careless for me to continue allowing them to wreck havoc on my body, it would just be plain stupid. To give you the short version of my research, saline implants are thought to be safe. However, the saline is held within a silicone shell. I learned that not only is this shell made up of many toxic metals, but it includes nickel, which I have been allergic to for as long as I can remember. Aside from that fact, these are foreign objects placed in our body over vital organs and as our bodies work constantly to fight against them our immune systems are unable to function properly until the overworked immune system eventually turns from attacking invaders to attacking itself. The immune system inevitably fails and allows infections to take root within our bodies, leading to the experienced symptoms. Add to this the MTHFR gene I mentioned earlier that makes it difficult to detox, particularly making people (like me) with this gene, more susceptible to having problems.

Post breast augmentation, March 2014

While a lot of this makes sense to me when dumbed-down a bit, the people I talked to and their stories are what truly helped me make a decision. Some of these women are far more sick than myself. Some are not experiencing symptoms yet but are removing their implants proactively. Some do not have implants yet and are doing their research before making that commitment. The transformations after removal are so undeniable. Many women are waking up from surgery feeling better than when they went in. Some have had a complete disappearance of symptoms immediately. While I don't expect this to be the case for everyone (after all, it took years to get this sick) it does make me hopeful that I could be the woman I was before my declining health turned me into the shell of a person I am today. It feels silly even typing that, because the past few years have been full of some amazing experiences. We've traveled all over. We've done some really cool things. I vowed to say yes to anything someone asked me to do. I stepped out of my comfort zone in my social life. I've engulfed myself in doing anything that supports my kids. I've survived some very traumatic and trying times for my family members. I've continued to "enjoy" my favorite activities. But my constant health struggles have cast a large shadow over all these things.

I've had more panic attacks than I'd like to admit. My anxiety hasn't allowed me to enjoy things I would previously have done without a care. Over and over I've pulled my dirt bike helmet onto my aching head. I've strapped into my snowboard without having feeling in my feet. I've ridden my mountain bike despite the aching and weakness in my hands. I've hiked with my family despite painful earaches every time anything more than a slight breeze blows. I've woken up in places all over the country with sore hands that were clenched all night. I've iced my aching face from severe grinding of my teeth before putting on a smile to host a party. I've traded precious and elusive sleep to spend time with family. I've wrestled with my kids and let them climb all over me despite the inflammation and pain in every part of my body. I've planned date nights with my husband despite feeling undesirable and unworthy of his love. I've gone out with friends when I'd rather stay home and relax. I've covered the dark bags under my tired eyes with endless amounts of make up and pretended to feel pretty. I've replaced most of the clothes in my closet with items that would have been too large on me even when I was pregnant. I've attended meetings despite the brain fog that makes it difficult to find a particular word or remember what I was even speaking about. I pondered at what point I would call 911 when severe chest pain and heart palpitations made me think I was having a heart attack. I've laughed off my inability to do almost anything without breathing heavily because of my shortness of breath and constant sinus congestion. I've rearranged my schedule when my memory loss caused me to completely forget plans. And I did all these things because I felt I didn't have a choice. If I had wallowed in the sorrow of my situation I think I could have easily fallen into a depression. These health concerns just do not have a place in the fun, adventurous, busy life that I wish to live.

It is not lost on me that through this all I had the privilege of a very flexible schedule that allowed me the time to attend all these appointments, the financial means to see every doctor and specialist, and the support of a very caring and loving husband who not only encouraged me to seek answers but never failed to tell me over and over how beautiful he thought I was, despite how terrible I looked and felt. It has been very sad and humbling to speak to so many women who have lost their jobs, their relationships and so much more due to these same issues.

If you're still reading this, first of all, get a life 😉 But seriously, thank you. It has been difficult to condense several years into what I was hoping would be a much shorter post, but I really wanted to put the whole story out there. The whole point of this post was to let everyone know that I have made the decision to remove my implants. I scheduled a consultation as soon as I possibly could and I am looking forward to my surgery day. For those of you who already know, your support has been priceless, as this decision did not come to me easily. Literally six months ago I would have encouraged anyone I know to get implants. I would have given them my doctors information, as I have already done so many times before, and as many friends have done for me. And just to be clear, I have no particular feelings toward anyone who has implants or who hopes to get them. I openly celebrated getting mine and really loved them for almost all five years I've had them. This is just the journey I'm on and I truly believe in telling our stories and doing what is best for ourselves despite the opinions and judgments of others. I hope that by sharing this I might help someone else or at least shed some light on what I've been going through. I hope to continue to tell the story of my recovery and (fingers crossed) eventual disappearance of all these things that have been such a burden on my life, so stay tuned. I've learned that health and wellness is not a destination. It is an ongoing journey. And although it's been a long journey for me so far, I have a feeling it's just getting started.

XO
Jess